Coping with the Breakup

It is really tough for me to write out this entry...
had been a long long time since i last wanted to post it..
but i cant, cos i know i am still not stable enough to write out about how i feel and wat i thk...

you can say that i am stupid, you can say that i am dumb
you can say that i am silly, you can say that i am running away from the fact...
whatever ppl are gonna say.. or he is gonna say...
i have decided to stick to my own decision... to wat i really thks...

i had been askin myself to move on...
telling myself that i can definitely find someone better...
but i cant really do it...
my feelings and emotions are kinda stable now..
not as bad as how i felt at the initial stage...
i am now not as easily affected by him as before...
but still...
i cant really let go...
i had foolishly put in too much into this r/s...

regardless where i go wat i do, it simply reminds me of him and the thgs we do together...
although we were together for only abt a yr..
but the memories are really too strong and too much to forget...

i went Dbl O, and it reminds me of the times he went there wif me on wed nites...
when i am on train, i tot of the time we will try to take the same train aft his wrk and b4 my class..
when i am watchin a movie, it reminds me of the feeling of havin him sitting beside me keeping me warm and holding on to me..
worse is when i am home...
every corner of my room reminds me of his presence...
even when i look out of the window, it reminds me of him parking downstairs waiting just directly below my window for me to be down... waving to me saying "i love u" before he head to his car aft sending me home...
every single detail single word he ever say he ever did...
it just keep flowing through my mind...

how i wish time will fly faster...
how i wish he will clear his thoughts faster...
how i wish he could recall his love and care for me faster..

i will still be here... waiting for miracle....
i dunno how long it will be...
but all i know is... i wont give up so easily..
i really treasure this relationship alot...
too much till i cant let go at this point....

God, please help me...
i am loosing my love my hope...
i really dun wan to....

*i am searching for the angela who loves herself more than anything else*

Thoughts~~

Too mani thgs had been flooding my mind...
too much till i start to doubt if i can really make it there...

this is already the 2nd week since everythg happened...
and it seems that i had kinda move on a little towards the brighter side..
tts wat i had been telling myself..
but still.. the lousy and useless angela didnt leave me at all...
certain time in the day, i will still feel lost and empty...
memories are still floodin my mind....
an unknown friend keeps remindin me of him telling me not to let go...
not to give up....
i hate the feeling of lost and emptiness...
i dun wan to be lousy...

recentli i heard alot of comments...
abt me and abt my past r/s..
heart breaking.... hurt...
i lost myself... i lost everything...
i lost the slightest confidence....

i need to find all these back...
i need my confidence..
i need my concentration...
i need myself....

i love him... thats for sure...
but now.... i have to really learn to keep this feeling somewhere in my heart and lock it up..
i am learning to be a new me...

I LOVE ANGELA...
i will just keep remindin myself...

*no one can make me let go except myself, not even him.. and i will make the choice on my own..*

Handling a Breakup- Contributed by JH

Below is a msg i received frm JH... super nice...
wanna share wif everyone going through a breakup....

OKIE. What I am going to say is radical. The truth is that half measures do not work with break up recovery.

You have two options:

The first one is to nurture his memory. You can go to therapy and spend hours talking about the way he made you feel. You can spend months trying to understand why he did it. After a while, all your friends will run away. They will use words like pathetic and loser when they talk about you.

The second option is to get your full power back.

A break up is a battle situation. It is a crisis. You have been invested in this girl for months, maybe years. After you break up, you keep on giving. You get back nothing.

Your whole mind set needs to shift and be repolarised to one single priority: you.

There is no soft approach here. he is in your mind and it is killing you. It is a self destructive spiral which annihilates your life.

Why? Because he is in your mind. More! he has power over you.

You are not master of yourself anymore.

What you want is a new mind set. The old mind set of the victim or looser is killing you. You want to defend your life, your territory.

How to do that? You radically shift the way you stand in it. Wake up your survival instinct and get over it.

When you are not over it, you are under it, right? Being under means carrying a useless weight which drains you and takes away your strength. Why is that happening? You have no power. In fact, he does.

Here are some key mind sets you need to wake up in you. These are survival strategies. They are not optional. If you don't apply them, your are dead!

* You are not a victim, you are a winner. In fact this break up might be the best thing which ever happened to you. Put it this way: you are free!

* he is gone and gone forever. You won't get back together. In other terms don't hope he'll change his mind. If you meet him by coincidence, don't see this as a secret sign that you two are meant for each other!

* You don't need him. This is an illusion. You are perfectly fine with or without him.

* You will meet new guys. Right now, he does not deserve the attention your give him

* Alcohol or drugs does not help. Getting drunk is the worst thing you can do. Drinking does not give you your power back. In fact it does exactly the opposite.

* You owe him nothing! A relationship is a temple with two pillars. If he takes off, consider yourself 100% free. Let it totally collapse. It's not your responsibility anymore.

* What he does is none of your business! You might believe you have rights? you don't! Simple as that. She does what she wants, when she wants, with whoever she wants. You have no control over that.

* Get real! There are many reasons he did what she did. Most of them have to do with fulfilling his own needs. Get real about who he is and what he wanted. Don't defend him.

Again, in a break up situation, you need to wake up your power and see this as a battle for survival. Soft approaches don't work! It is a waste of your precious time.

You have the power to force yourself into a new mind set. This new mind set gives you freedom, space and instant recovery. Sure, you won't get all the negative attention from friends and family (poor thing...). The question is: what do you want? This is about your own survival. Do what it takes to express your full power.

My Dramatic Weekend

Seems that my weekend is never the same as before..
ever since i broke up with leonard i hasnt really been myself..
i dunno what i am doing and what i had done..
i am like a lost soul on a lonely land..

sat i went out wif moo, junna and lanvince..
supposed to go PH end up me and junna spent some time at DF wif feljiejie and iser jiejie..
not bad not bad..
celest sang this song 有一种爱叫做放手
freaking nice.. really love it.. the tune the lyrics...
thanks iserjiejie for dedicating it for me...

i had a bad nite at PH.. was high.. and i fainted..
due to my low blood...
lucky i have junna ger wif me.. thanks so much.. really..
if u werent there i also dunno how...
thanks...
i cant really rem wat i said and wat i did..
sorry for all the trouble..

i had a bad nite yst..
fainted aft meeting my friends..
and best lor.. sent to the hospital to rest and check..
my mum was really mad wif me..
the moment i woke up i can hear her naggin non stop...

had peace on my own for the whole of last nite (when blackout) and also the morning...
i kinda thought thgs through...
i know wat i really wan.. and i will try to work towards my own goal...
for no one but myself..

i have to love myself more now..

Summary of My 1st Week of Misery

The week seem to past very slowly...
Its only a week yet it felt like thgs happened just yesterday...
maybe this is all because the wound still felt fresh and the pain had never a moment left me...

I had been trying to talk to him almost everyday for the first few days.. but i had kinda gave up the idea.. cos he seem very firm on his decision.. and he seem to be have already decided to shut me off frm his heart and life...
its really painful for me to know this fact and also to admit it...
i had been trying to accept.. but.. not very successful...
i am still trying... still trying...

for the past week i had spoke to countless people..
met wif lots and lots of friends...
then i realise alot of friends really loves me...
thanks so much....

Bestie said that i am a late bloomer... this kind of thgs had already happened to alot of ppl way back and they had already mastered the skill of survival..
and it seem that me the late bloomer is oni a newbie.. lol... silly me..

i just spoke to him hrs ago.. very sad to realise that he is still standing firm on his decision..
and the worse is to realise that he is making use of this opportunity to really enjoy himself...
enjoy his time wif his guys and go to places that i really HATE him to go...
at this stage i have no other choice but to see him go...
argh... if this is a stage of growing up for men..
I really have doubt whether men are really mature creatures.. they dun even know wats moral and wats responsibility towards themselevs and other ppl...

me now sitting in front of my lappy trying to blog tis out..
and in my mind i am thking of him having fun wif his guys and other gers outside...
torturing...
WHY AM I THE ONE SUFFERING!!!

this is how stupid some women can be..
and i have to say.. its how stupid ANgela is!!!
cant imagine that...

recentli felt very related to this song 傻瓜 by 温岚
its telling how i am now.. being silly.. being stupid...

其实他做的坏事我们都懂
没有什么不同
眼光闪烁 暧昧流动
闭上眼当作听说

其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱 撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭

傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱 撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭

傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

really need a source of rescue...
can someone help and remove him frm my mind and my heart..
someone please...

Stepping Back into Life as a Single

Well, i guess this entry is rather easy to understand jus from my title..
yes, i have no choice but to say that i am back to single again...
at this moment when i am typing this entry, i have to say that it is a really hard fact for me to accept... and i really dun wish to accept...

but i dun really have a choice...
in order to stay as a couple, 2 persons have to really love each other..
and if this isnt the case, i guess i can no longer force it..
i had tried whatever i can and i had given watever i can...
the only thg i can say is "i have no regrets"
its just a pity that we cant be together longer..

i promised to give him the time and space he wanted to sort out his mind and his stuff..
and he had also promise that during this period, he wont fall for another gal or commit into another relationship...
i have no choice but to believe for the last time..
praying that this will is true and there will still be hope in future...

this is the 2nd time we are together..
the 1st was 8 yrs back when i was 15...
this time it lasted pretty long as compared to the previous...
and i am sure, he will remember me...
Dear,

Thanks for what you had done for me for the past year,
now we have to put this chapter to an end... this is your choice..
and this is what you wanted... i am going as you say...
hope you remembers what u promised...
and also remember that i will be loving you...

Love,
Angie

End of Chinese New Year!!

Yesterday was the 15th of the January in lunar calender which marks the last day for CNY celebrations...
No more Lao Yu Sheng.. No more Ang Bao.. No more Xin Nian Kuai Le... etc etc

This Ox year is kinda different for me.. in the sense of celebration and stuff..
reduced visiting with parents.. increased visitings to friends place..
and INCREASED gambling... lol...
its a good start for me.. as the jobless ger here won a small small sum in '21 points'.. hehe...

the only thg that remains the same ever since i remember is our family's yearly gathering...
the day when me and my sis moves back home to stay for the 2 PH...
actually.. every year i will look forward to movin back.. and i kinda like the feelin stayin with daddy mummy...
i guess the fastest time it will happen again will be in 1 yr's time - the year of Tiger..
Pics we took on the 1st day of CNY.. mummy seems to like taking pics wif us lor.. lol..
Camwhoring is in the blood... jus look at the 3 of us... lol

Pics of me and mummy in cab.. 2nd day of CNY...

Family Pic at my Aunt's place... This is spikey... Amy got her kimono in japan.. $80++ SGD..

ex lor..

this year was kinda relaxing.. hehe...

kinda old le... paiseh to take ang bao also lor... =p

the oni sad thg abt this CNY is that i am not able to give daddy and mummy ang bao like the previous years cos i am not working...

haiz...

nvm... jia you jia you jia you!!!!