A Night Like that

Generally people drag nights when they have too much in their minds to think about and to worry about.
this time my case is kinda opposite.
i dread the night when my heart felt empty and my mind went blank.

i dun exactly know what i am thinking about and how i am feeling..
its purely clear and peaceful which i fear the most.

seems that i had kinda lost some of my senses and my analytical ability.
i cant clear my own thoughts and define my own wants and needs.
i am jus surviving day by day doing what i think i am suppose to do without a real motive behind.
loosing of my own life i can say. sad fact in life.

picking oneself up is not an easy task. it requires loads of courage and support.
i do have the support but i am sure i dun have the courage now.
seems that there are tonnes of things for me to search and retrieve back into my life.

meanwhile, life goes on......

Singapore Flyer 25 June 09

Finally went onto the flyers. supposed to be with him as we planned but sadly its not.
gave my 1st time onboard to my fellow family members in AIA.. lolx
it was a welcome session to newly joined members and also to coming team mates..
so as indicated, our whole bear family is there cos we are NEW too! lol

This is the mass group pic of the whole group of passengers on board the came capsule. taken before we board. nice rite.
this was taken on board the capsule.

Now introducing the Bear Family:
Our very first family photo taken (Left to Right): Shane, Joelle, Bear Bear (Eric), Crystal & Me

we all rushed down to the Flyers after work. Poor shane has to rushed from his foundation training. we were so worried that he wont make it on time and can only wave goodbye.. lolx

The 3 angels in the family. Theres something funny about the 3 of us appearing together all the time. People in the office have problem differentiating us by our names. So John simply call us 星星，月亮，太阳. No specific indication as who is which by generally this 3 terms... lolx... damn old sch lor..
These are some of the ladies in the office. Esp Jennifer on the extreme left. Thanks alot to her for taking the pics for us on that day cos we simply forgot about bringing a camera la.. lolx...

was a short 25 mins journey and nothing much to see actually.
but it was fun to be there with all of them. we were simply playing and running ard in the capsule. The funniest moment is when bear bear make fun of crystal who is afraid of height.
lol... nice session

i wont go up the flyers again in the near future until the IR is up ba... lolx

My Werid Monday

this is a monday full of ups and downs...
2 morning appointments killing me with the blue feeling...
bad news from daniel made me feel so lost for the day...
closing 1 deal brings me back to life again...
talking to him again drag me back to the cruel reality again...

spoke to him on msn randomly...
was a nice chat actually. but still the sourish and painful feelin hit me...
causin me to be still awake at 5am in the morning...

saw the pics of his new ger(s)... *Ouch*
this is the expected feelin i guess..

i have alot in mind that i wanna blog about..
theres alot in mind i wanna tell him...
but dunno y at this point at this moment, i am just stuck with nuttin..
i dunno wat to say and wat to write...

i need someone to enlighten me. tell me why is things like that?
~lost~

Brain takes the lead!

Jus read wil's blog and i fully agrees with what he says,
we simply follow our heart then our brain.
which leads us to no where but additional pain and sleepless nights...

it felt like a curse and there is no way to break this stupid curse.
i had been haunted by the thoughts of the past and him.
i really dun understand why am i so weak when it comes to relationship and when it comes to this issue.
really dislike this fact. stupid. felt so stupid.

i know i needa stay focus and i needed to stay strong,
yet i am not.
emotions really kills...

i wont allow this to continue, i cant..
will have to slowly let my brain take the lead and overtake the control from my heart.
i am gonna do it!

In the world of my Own

I had already lost count of the no of nights that i cant sleep well or even sleep at all...
feeling really tired now..
but alot of things are still running in my mind...
i guess this is the main reason of my sleepless nights...

Saw this quote on Facebook by George korkor
"Love Is Not Abt Right Or Wrong , Is Only Abt Whether U Love Or Dun Love"
i like wat he said...

When it comes to anything related to feelings or relationship between 2 person, nothing is right or wrong, and as long as u love from your heart truely, sincerely, there will not be any regrets.

recently there is a rising number of broken relationships around me and heard tonnes and tonnes of stories, reasons or excuses. i felt upset for my friends whom truely commits to a person they love and ended up getting hurt. this includes myself.
i guess no one is to be blamed in any relationships that dont work out, all i can say is "this is life"

when u feel that he/she is the right person, you commit.
and once u feel that he/she is not good enough, not who you really looking for, you will start to think, find faults and eventually brings everything to an end.
Human are selfish by nature, and one have to be selfish to make the first move. they are not wrong, its just that they love themselves more.

after hearing all the various experiences that friends around me has.
alot of memories and thoughts started flowing back into me, haunting me.
bringing back all the things that i am trying to forget and making me stepping back to the place where i fell. my nightmare.

for the past few months i had been struggling to walk out of it and be on my own once again.
I can say that at this point i had managed to do it in a way, but i had also failed in another.
I am now stronger on my own and no longer feeling so emotional, but my weak side will still hit me once in a while remindin me of my pain and sorrow.
Gonna give myself more time to work on it and i believe in no time, i'll be perfect and happily on my own...

Work is starting to pile up and there are tonnes of things that i can work on. I am starting to feel the stress in it. Stress in passing all the test, stressing in getting clients and sales, but i am sure i can overcome all these one by one. I WILL & I MUST!

School gonna start real soon, now in the midst of deciding if i still wanna continue. its a tough decision. I guess more or less i will still carry on for the sake of my parents and also for myself.

Maybe its also because of the tonnes of stuff approaching and happening, i started to miss those time when i have someone by my side. The very person i can depend on emtionally and mentally. Giving me the little support and encouragement when i am tired and drained.
Miss the feeling of looking forward to see someone and planning for the next upcoming activity just for the 2 of us. Miss the feeling of having someone who cares for me and i can care for.

Not gonna be so soon i guess, not in the near months cos at this moment, i'm kinda afraid that history might repeat and i'm afraid of getting hurt. I guess i will only commit when i feel that i am completely fine so that i will be fair towards my love one and give him the all the love that i can. The problem is, by the time i am ready, will be love one be there? will i be able to find that special someone?
Changed my image a little about 1 week ago. Kinda like it.

I came to realise i am not OK

I thought i am ok but yet i am not...
this is how i had been feeling recently...

just happen to see that he changed his profile in facebook from "in a relationship" to "Single"...
dunno y but suddenly my heart sank...
i dunno how to describe the feeling...
its jus feel like somethg pressing hard on me, on my shoulders, on my head and in my heart..

hate this kinda feeling.... =(

Breakup Season

This period seems to be the breakup season or i should say for the past few months had been the case.
had been hearing about breakups, quarrels etc.
y relationship nowadays had become so fragile?
Or is it the effort placed into the relationship?

In a relationship, each person plays a different role or in fact everyone can choose..
the can be either the giver or the taker or even both... its a very 'grey' kinda thing...
but balancing in the role of a giver and taken within a couple is almost impossible..
cos everyone have their preferred role and their selfish sides...

Taking up either role can have their pros and cons and in fact staying and maintaining the respective role carrying out the required or expected acts and duties are never easy...
one can be a 'Giver' at the initial stage of the relationship and subsequently switched to the role of the 'Taker' unknowingly... this is when issues and probs starts arising cos the initial 'Taker' will feel the difference in treatments and might feel that the 'LOVE' is no longer there...
Usually 'Givers' are rarely tired of giving, in fact they are willing to give more as time goes by... Its only until the point when they start doubting the relationship then things starts to change...
On the other hand 'Takers' might get greedy by nature, expecting more and more as the relationship goes. Cant really blame them cos naturally human beings always ask for MORE!

'Givers' around me had met with obstacles in relationships. I had seen alot of 'Givers' tearing over the lost love and lost relationship yet one surprising fact is that MOST of the 'Givers' are still willing to give and commit even more in their next relationship. This includes myself.
Silly 'Givers'.

I guess this is the nature that makes us 'Givers'. Just wanna give all out into a relationship, Playing 'Show hand' in a Poker game. Never fear the fall even if it occurs overs and over again.
We know the pain, yet we never give up cos we dont want to deprive our next 'Prince Charming' or 'Angel' of having the feeling of being love and doted by us.

Silly 'Givers' might not be the best lovers but i am sure its comfortable to be around us.
'Givers' Power Unite!! lol

i kinda miss him today... maybe because i had been hanging up wif the "single" club too much...
i started to wonder if he even think of me?? just for that good 5 sec??
did he ever?? or he had already completely forgotten about me??
I will never know =)

Dragonfly on 7 May

Had a great clubbin session wif my sisters...
Saw a msg on FB by feljiejie indicating an event at DF..
Its Celest's Concert... without hesitation i texted her saying that i'll be joining...

i will never forget the song i heard when i broke up wif leo...
Thanks....
i went there aft work wif crystal to join the rest...


Its a great session...
thanks for the invite feljiejie...

An entry for the 2 men in my life....

There isnt much of a purpose in writing this entry...
read one of a entry by a fellow friend who wrote about all his ex-girlfriends and rating every single one of them...
it gave me an idea of writing but i didnt have to courage to cos this will be a relatively heavy topic for me to work on...

dunno what got into me tonight, i feel writing it...
for the 2 of them who came into my life and taught me how life should be...
i am not going to rate anyone of them cos to me every relationship is different and unique...
just gonna share how these 2 men changed my life...
they are important to 佳惠 to Angela...

1. Eric aka Eric Sky aka QingFa

He is the man in my life... Maybe alot of you all you dont know or maybe i should say i didnt mention much about him... our relationship dragged for more than 7 years before we really decide to part each other...

Met him when i was 16 in May... Its a weird start for our relationship. i knew him through an internet pal of mine... and we met up on a random day not on a date but just purely me accompanying him to grab some stuff at sim lim aft his attachement. he was in Poly Yr 3...

Just some background of 佳惠 (He and his family calls me by my chinese name): i use to be a tom-boy. Tee-shirts, berms, baggy jeans, platform slippers

It wasnt a pleasant meetup cos he passed alot of harsh comments on me throughout the evening we were together... and in my mind i was thking "IDIOT! i will never meet u ever again" he commented alot on my posture, my dressing and the way i carry myself...
after the outing i was thking "This guy will definitely not be my next Boyfriend" ... lol

surprisingly we still kept in close contact the night after we met and on the next day which is a friday 8 June 2001, 11:17pm he asked if i want to be his gf and randomly i agreed (dun ask me why cos i also dunno why i agreed)... we met up again the very next day for a proper date.. lol
thats how the whole relationship started... "Random" lolx...

I had a great 7 years by his side, he gave me the freedom, the respect and the love that i had never thought of... he changed me throughout the years... he made me wear skirts, and as time goes by the skirts gets shorter day by day...lolx... he made me wear tank tops and slowly tubes and dresses... because of him i changed willingly and learning to put on make up and even loose weight... for the great guy he had been, i am determined to loose weight for him (i was close to 72kg when i started the r/s with him)... he had never asked me to... i remebered very clearly that i ever asked him "dear, how does all ur guy's gfs look like?? are the all slim and pretty?? Are u embarrased to bring me out?" and he assured me with his ans "no! i dun really care how others look like cos they are not my gf.. i like the way u r.. whichever way u look" i was touched by his words and bcos of this i am determinded to changed to a better me... for him... i want him to have a presentable gf... from there i started putting on make up, doing my hair... lolx... that makes the new Angela today....

He is the man that knows me the best... even until today... no other person even my parents knows me and understands me more than he does... he can tell me my decisions even way before i told him anythg... he is that amazing... i was depend on him on alot of issues... whenever i meet with any problems or unhappiness he can solve it for me or enlighten me in a way... No one else have ever done anythg better than him... Its him who assisted me all the way and taught me the way in life...

he is not from a wealthy family, but he always has his way to provide me with thgs that he knows i like.. and surprises that i have always dream of... thats him...
he never knows how to say "I Love You" throughout the 7 years he rarely tells me that.. but i can really feel it... from my heart...

we adopted a dog together that's our 'Son' (Duffy is now with him)... we are really like a family... we planned for everythg including marriage... we almost got married when i was 21... but due to age and ambitions (mainly me) we decided to postponed it and eventually i lost it....

i dun wish to mention the bad side of him cos to me, those points are actually unique and special to me... all i can say is.. because of my expectations of myself and future, i lost the best relationship anyone can ever get... the best man that every girl can dream of...

I will always remember him... forever in my life... He is the man...
theres too much i can write about him... so i guess just have to really cut it short...
Wanna say a big Thank You to him...
thanks for everything and thanks for understanding....
even at the point when i wanna leave... he understands... and he knows....
Thanks so much dear...

Deep from my heart i wish U all the best for ur relationship... Best of luck for your future and for your everything... May u and daddy mummy mei mei be blessed with the best of luck and good health... =)

2. Leonard aka Leona

He is the guy that i made the same mistake twice.. lol
My very first bf when i was 15 and we were together for only 1 month... he dumped me for another ger he met...

we met again after 8 years and very quickly we fell in love with each other...
at that moment he is actually attached, so we kept thgs really offline and personal...
until the day he broke up with his gf then i started considering being with him...

he is really sweet and gentle towards me... we meet up every single night regardless how late how tired we were... we will definitely meet... he gave me the love thats completely different from eric...

we went to places to explore in the night, we went for supper, he waited for me at my office regardless how late i work to, he always made me day by doing silly thgs and giving me surprises... i love the guy who is so gentle to me... so giving, so loving...

we started off a small biz (our blogshop) and we went into investments together... i learnt alot about the outside world from him... he is a knowlegable person.. he knows alot.. about everything... he picks thgs up quickly and his analaytical skills is amazing... the way he analyses the market and thgs is super charming... lolx... we did good when the recession started...

good times dun last... his playful character ruined the whole relationship... subsequently the relationship is full of lies, broken promises and rejections... he choose to leave me for his fun and his freedom with his guys...

from this relationship i learnt alot and i lost alot... i learnt not to be silly and naive... never be too much of a giver and never fill ur life with nuttin but love... he showed me the dark side of man and relationship... he left me memories and pain...

i guess its from here i lost the ability to trust and to love...

all i feel like to saying to him is:
Leona, u choose it this way... i respect ur decision and i promised myself that i will live better day by day... i will no longer be the angela crying and asking u to come back... i will no longer do that... 被抛弃第一次傻， 第二次笨.. i will wake up from here from this point and get my life back..
and if really we are fated for the 3rd time, please either let it be my last relationship or let me be the one to dump u... lolx...

thanks for the lesson u taught me... i still wish u the best in whatever you do... your future is in your hand, to cherish it or to ruin it, take your pick... i will be here as a friend to support u... =)

i learnt alot from these 2 relationships... regardless if its a painful experience... i enjoyed the moments with the 2 of them.... honestly speaking, i still love them... esp leonard cos at this point the pain is still relatively fresh... but i'm gonna lock the feelings for these 2 men in my life in the treasure box in my heart... locked and not gonna open it up until miracle happen ba... =)

Love is Sweet and nice yet painful...
我用真心面对每一段感情，换来的只是美丽的回忆
我无冤无悔...

Quizzes~~~

Boring nites are brightened by interesting quizzes on Facebook...

1. Tarot Card Read
The Lover
The Lovers is predominantly a card of the emotions, and it often portrays love that is divinely blessed, either by Cupid, an angel, or by God Himself. This seems to imply that nothing but good can come of this union, though with such a dualistic card there is always the potential for a sad conclusion, despite the best of beginnings. After all, love is like a flame because it can ignite the blaze of passion, but also because it can consume and destroy if used carelessly. Love is a wonderful thing, but profane or unrequited love has the power to tear families and lives apart. The Lovers has within it the potential for such love and we must always be cautious of it.

2. What's Your Stress Level?
Your Stress Level is at 97%: You are a very stressed individual. Constantly under pressure, you never get a moments' rest because there was always something due two weeks ago. You may want to reorganize your life and learn how to time manage.

3. What kind of mask do you wear?
Your mask is pain. For some reason or another you just can't seem to find a positive outlook on life. You get angry when people try to relate with how you feel, because you're convinced they won't understand. Deep down you know there should be a million reasons for people to want to get to know you, but you often find yourself closing yourself off from those around you. You have your select friends, but can't help but want something more. You find opening up difficult, but you do find your ways to let things out. You have your good days, but even through the good times, you feel like there is always going to be those feelings that don't sit right..

4. what your attitude says about u

you tend to go with the flow and alot of ppl admire about that, u easily make friends and can keep them without discomfort. your very loyal and honest and if something doesnt suit you, you get over it easily. Laid back is the way you like to live!

5. What do people love about you?
You know what you wanna be when you're older and everyone else knows. You will be successful in whatever career path you choose. Nothing will stop you now, and everyone admires your determination. You are smart and serious but are known to be a little self absorbed. Though this wont let you down.

Dear friends, drop me a comment abt how u guys feel abt my quiz result ok?
Thanks